Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Not Food

For times when you aren't sure, or you're just too hungry and your judgement is clouded, here is a list of some things that are considered not to be food. Keep in mind, there are many more times in the world than I have space for describing as not food, so this list isn't complete.

*Paper is not food.

*The lint in the dryer after the load is done, while warm and it smells nice, it is not food.

*The container of heavy whipping cream that has been in the fridge for so long that it is no longer liquid but a large gelatinous cube, is not food. It was at one time, but don't be confused it isn't anymore.

*Likewise, a Skittle crushed in the waffle of your shoe is no longer food.

*A CD with a picture of food on it is not food.

*The gunk that has dripped down into the bottom of the refridgerator is not food.

*The little burrs that can be pulled off of a dog after it has walked through the woods are not food.

*An old sock, even though it is full of flavor, is not food.

*Urinal cakes are not food. I know, I know, they have cake in the name, but they're really not food.

*Pine needles, not food.

*The cotton ball in a bottle of tylenol, is not a delicious snack to eat while you get rid of your headache.

*Fake food is not food.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Alien Encounter

Did the aliens come to you last night too? They came to me and said that I and a small group of others were the key to saving their planet from destruction at the hands of The Great Void. Apparently, their home world is threatened by a sweeping darkness that is spreading throughout their galaxy. The Great Void consumes everything in its path and leaves only a cold nonexistence in its wake. They showed me images through their mind link. Itwas terrible.

Of course, you would already know all this if the aliens did come. It seems an impossible task, but if The Great Void is not stopped it could come to our galaxy next. I got a little nervous when they spoke about "upgrading"me. I can't imagine how something like The Great Void could be fought, let alone defeated or eradicated, but I know that something has to be done. Hopefully it will all be made clear.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Across the Dessert

They had told her the talisman was across the vast dessert. It was the key to survival for her people, and she had been chosen by her people to get it. She tried to remember the brief training she had received, as well as her wilderness lore from her childhood, but all she could think of was the fact that her last real meal she would eat for a long time was four hours behind her and that even after four days of walking she still wouldn't be able to see the far side of the burning wasteland. With the scorching sand before her and the blasting winds in her face she took her first step.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Drawing a Blank

There was something there floating in the recesses of my brain earlier today, but now I have no idea what it was. I think the Noggineers took it. The Noggineers are little intangible gnomes that sneak into your mind and steal your thoughts when you're not looking. There is little defense against such creatures. Although they are not invisible, they have an uncanny ability to blend in with their surroundings.

If you happen to spot one they can be identified by their aluminum foil hats and feet that are twice the length of their arms. When spotted if you can say spaghetti backwards they will instantly turn into warm buttery popcorn that can be fed to your enemies to give them a nasty case of the hebbie gebbies.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Empty Space

There is an empty space in my head that consumes everything that comes near it. This black hole of brain space is hungrier than all the hippos in all the Hungry Hungry Hippos games that ever were. However, on occasion, the brain finds something to reject and needs to purge. This is where the process of creation begins. The power to create and destroy worlds begins in the empty space. And who's to say that in some corner of the universe or in one of those empty spaces a world is not born or destroyed with a thought. I'm thinking of a world populated only by pink elephants. They are all named Jim, except for one who is blue and calls himself Carl. There, now the world is out there somewhere, waiting to be discovered. Oh wait, it was just hit by a super mega asteroid. It's gone now, back into the darkness. It's components have retreated into the empty space.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Bigfoot Lady

The Bigfoot Lady stands at the edge of the forest in her long, blue overcoat. Every day she tosses syrup-laden pancakes into the edge of the woods, hoping to entice Bigfoot to come out and say hello. At her feet is a stereo playing a mix-tape of Wookie sounds from the Star Wars movies. While she stands there she hums a soft tune as waits for her hairy man to come. Little does she realize that Bigfoot is more into Star Trek and his favorite color is indigo.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

The Wombat's Return

This time, when the wombat came in I could tell something was seriously wrong. Last time he was a mess from his fight with the space monkeys. It had been par for the course. This time, he was limping severely and a deep wound by his rib cage was oozing blood. He grumbled angrily as he came around to my desk. I looked at him for a minute, eyeing up his condition, and I was worried that I might have to call maintenance to pick up a wombat carcass from my cube. Unfortunately, my super spatula was in the shop for a recharge and repairs due to an incident at a high-speed flapjack flipping contest.

"What are you looking at," he said.

"You don't look good," I replied and eyed the puddle of blood soaking into the carpet.

"I thought you had the space monkeys taken care of."

"I did, but they came back, in greater numbers, and this time they brought a GSM."

"What's a GSM?"

He looked at me like I was stupid. I gave him a penetrating glare that said I wasn't in the mood, I had deadlines after all, and he explained. "A GSM is a Giant Snake Monster. They come from one of the first planets that the monkeys took over. Their heads are the size of a Volkswagen van and their scaled bodies stretch on seemingly forever. Their reptilian minds are as cold as any machine and they have a nearly unquenchable thirst for blood."


"That's all you can say? 'Oh?' If you saw one you wouldn't have any clean underwear I can just about guarantee that. Besides that, the GSM plays host to any number of smaller but no less vicious creatures from the depth of space that possess the same hunger. I was one of the few that made it back."

At this he slumped down on the floor and I was really starting to worry about the stain, and the smell that wasn't getting any better. His eyes drifted closed and for a minute his breathing stopped. Then, raggedly he sucked in a great lungful and began to snore. How I wished I had that spatula so that I could at least get him outside. Fortunately I still had my Port-o-Genie 3000. I conjured up the fiery demon and told him to send the wombat back to his domicile and clean up the mess. After all, if the wombat was here reporting all this to me, he must have saved the day.

The wombat woke as his form faded away. Panic settled on his face quickly.

"You stupid human! The threat is still hovering above the planet! We got the snake, but its parasites float up there now, and without my help you are doomed."

Then it disappeared and the Port-O-Genie with it since I had just used up the 3,000th order.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

It's Just Not Right

How can a horse beat a bear? In nature it just wouldn't happen and in football it shouldn't either. Horses don't have claws or sharp teeth! Ugh!

Thursday, February 1, 2007

The Repository

With reverence and more than a little caution Double B opened the repository. The doors opened slowly, the air creating a low whoosh noise. For a minute she stood, gazing at the collection as she liked to from time to time. For generations her family had been coming to the repository, now deep in the wasted lands, to add to its collection.

This was not just an average visit. Today she had something to add, something special. She could sense that it would be a jewel in the collection.

Slowly, almost ritualistically, she removed the black leather glove from her left hand. Her immaculate nails gleamed in the stark, white light. She choose her index finger, always her favorite for extraction, and inserted it in her right nostril. It took but a moment's digging to retrieve, and it slid from her nose satisfactorily.

She studied the specimen, looking at it from different angels. She couldn't have asked for better. Then she had to find a place to set it. Some members of her family were content to flick their treasures anywhere, but not Betsy. She selected a spot in the middle of one of the shoulder-high shelves, among samples, hard and brittle, that dated back 100 years or more. Gently, she pried it from the tip of her finger and placed it on the shelf. Then she stepped back, took one last look around, replaced her glove, and resealed the repository of the Booger Family.